Are You Always The One To Compromise? Read This

Are you always the one who has to compromise? Whether it's with a:

• co-worker

• spouse/partner

• family member

...compromising too much can lead to resentment. Not only do you resent the other person, but you resent yourself for not standing up to them.

The problem is that it's often so far ingrained in your behaviour, that you don't notice until it's too late.

This can lead a knock effect to more resentment, more compromising, then more resentment again.

I've been in similar situations where I agreed to compromise, yet the ask just continued to expand until the point where neither party was happy because:

1. The other person continued to raise expectations

2. I continued to resent myself and the other person

So how did I overcome this?

I asked myself, 'Is what I'm doing conflicting with my values?'. And it was.

This is when I knew I needed to change. I offered the other person, who was still unhappy that I wasn't rising consistently to their unrealistic expectations, an ultimatum.

I simply stated that this is the extent to which I can offer, and if it's not enough, then they can walk.

Suddenly they backtracked, and realised that they were going to lose everything over their unrealistic expectations. Since then we have continued on a healthier path without unfair compromises and resentment.

So why did this work? I used leverage. I knew that the other person couldn't be without me, and I used that to stop the unhealthy expectations.

Now, there's always a risk that the other person will say 'okay fine, bye!' But that's okay.

In fact - that's good. Because it means you've saved yourself from someone who was destined to continuously make your life harder with their expectations. 

The fact that this ultimatum can go two ways is what makes it a difficult thing to do.

But as I'm sure you know, the hard thing is usually the right thing.

Stop giving into your values, and start developing your leverage. What's the alternative? A lifetime of resentment.

When you look at it that way, suddenly standing up for yourself isn't the hard thing anymore.

2 Brown Shoes

You may think compromise is always the right thing to do. But as you have seen sometimes it can lead to higher expectations and lower self-esteem.

To demonstrate another reason why compromising isn't always the best option, we can use the metaphor of shoes.

Imagine you thought you looked best in black shoes, but your partner thinks you look better in brown.

Would you compromise and wear one brown and one black? Of course not - you would look ridiculous.

Yet that would be considered a 'compromise'.

Remember that metaphor next time you're about to compromise.